The risks of make-up and breakup sex

 


Make-up sex has its own risks, one of which is reinforcing fights, or at least not taking fights as seriously as they should be taken (see Seth Meyers's post). This is particularly true when the fights are violent, as in the case of battered women. Often, immediately after domestic violence, men force their wives to have make-up sex with them; it goes without saying how awful this makes the women feel. However, in other cases, when a certain time has passed since the violence occurred, make-up sex can make it easier for these women to return to their violent husbands as if nothing has happened.

Consider the true story Tina Nash (link is external), a severely battered woman who stayed with her boyfriend despite his violent behavior. After a particular violent episode, she returned the next day to pick up her car from outside his apartment, and although he smashed her car up, she took him back. She writes: “We made passionate love that night. The make-up sex with him was 10 times more intense than I’d ever experienced before. He was slow and loving and looked at me like he wanted to own my soul.” A few months later, she lost her sight as a result of his violence.

Make-up sex in bad relations does not involve a true resolution to the conflict but rather a temporary cover-up, which distracts the couple's attention from their profound difficulties. When fights are constant and extreme, make-up sex act like like a drug that gives temporary, illusory relief but is not a deep or genuine solution.

Breakup sex can be of value in two main situations: (a) you still like each other and want to remain friends, and (b) the decision to separate was mutual. In some cases, the breakup sex can be quite sad and painful. As Scott (link is external)writes, "My girlfriend took me out on a romantic weekend with the idea of having sex as many times as possible and then dumping me before checking out. It made me very angry and bitter." For other people, especially those whose love for their partner has died, the "goodbye bed" made them feel sad at being used and for giving in and having a kind of pity sex. As one woman (link is external)wrote: "It made me feel dirty…and I will never do the 'goodbye bed' again." Breakup pregnancy or breakup STD (sexually transmitted disease) can be even worse. Another problem (or advanage) of breakup sex is that if it is so good, it generate second thoughts concerning the breakup which both of them thought it is the right thing to do.